Postpartum Flashback

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant! It has absolutely flown by so far.. and now begins the long third trimester of anticipation. How will I deliver? Will it be like the last time? How will Aubrey be handling a sibling? How will I feel about her becoming one?!

So. Many. Questions.

My postpartum journey the first time around was truly a whirlwind and honestly pretty unexpected.

The anxiety was so overwhelming. Why was she crying? What did I do wrong? Is she eating enough? Is family happy with the time they’re getting? I was constantly second guessing every move I made.

I was also dealing with the sad news of my moms scans right before we had Aubrey (SEE POST) https://chelseasilverman.wixsite.com/imfineblog/post/grieving-pregnancy .. and not even two weeks after Aubrey was born did I get more devastating news about my mom’s prognosis (more to come on this soon). So, as if becoming a new parent in general isn’t terrifying, I had some extra stress I would say..

With all of life’s new stressors, I was struggling immensely with control. I was so terrified for my girl to cry I felt I needed to be with her 24/7. I was reading way too many blogs and posts about what other parents were doing and would spiral immediately if it didn’t work for my child. (I eventually learned that every baby is different!!!) And while I knew I needed to read & learn a bit, I took it wayyyy too far.

The emotional stress was just half of it, but truly the hardest part for me as I became unpleasant to be around. I’ll never forget Jill visiting me and asked how I was doing and I just lied to her, I think she knew it too. I don’t know why I lied, but I regret it so much as maybe it would have saved me from another 2 months of overwhelming anxiety and sadness.

- - shoutout to Jill and a few others who asked me the hard questions.. everyone needs people like that in their circle - -

Bobby and I were not in a good space, which I know can be common with introducing a child, but I felt so misunderstood by him and frankly everyone. Looking back I know everyone wanted to help, but I viewed a lot of it as I was doing something wrong and they wanted to take my baby from me to do it “right”. Being sleep deprived truly did not help…

About 4 months in, Aubrey was having a pretty off day, and all I could think about was walking into the street and just letting a car hit me (and no it wasn’t the first time). It scared me so much, and I knew I never would do that.. but the fact I even thought it prompted me to call my mother in law sobbing asking for help.

I went on Zoloft immediately and remain on it today. I have no plans to go off, especially with another postpartum season approaching. I also found a postpartum depression/anxiety group that I attended for months, where I met so many wonderful other mamas who could relate.

I keep getting the question “are you scared or nervous knowing what you went through last time”.. to which I always answer OF COURSE. Going into the unknown is scary but also going into a situation where you knew the outcome last time is also very frightening!

However, this time I know what to expect a bit more. I know how to ask for help (something a lot I did when my mom was in hospice).. I know that everyone loves ME and wants ME to succeed as a mom.

I don’t share this to scare anyone at all who is also expecting, but I just know it’s so important to be transparent about all struggles in life (hence our awesome blog) .. especially postpartum where it becomes all about the new cute baby and less about the mama who just carried that precious nugget for 9 months.

This time around, I will ask my friend to do the dishes, or vacuum the carpet where Aubrey stepped on crackers, or ask a family member to come over and just sit. I will say yes every time someone mentions bringing food or coffee Helping a new mom is not only offering to hold the baby!!

Always remember, people love and care about you! Everyone wants to help. Be vocal about what you need, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and know Jill and I are ALWAYS here for advice. TAKE CARE OF YOU. There are so many resources that allow you to not feel alone, and you will truly be surprised how many people go through what you are going through!

With love,

Chels xoxo