Micah Pt. 2

Can you tell us about Micah? And a favorite memory you have?

I have great memories of her starting with being pregnant. We shared lots of chocolate chip cookies with Pop Pop, and chocolate Budino’s from Pistarro’s. We shared many family meals with mine and Daniel’s parents. She was talked to daily, especially by her grandma and her Mimi. She would do flips when we would jam to Three 6 Mafia! We woke up early every morning had a cup of coffee on the couch with Frank dog. I got to cherish every second of my pregnancy knowing that this is when I would spend most of our quality time together.

My Micah Jayne was really the most beautiful baby I had ever seen – I could be biased but I don’t think I am. She had beautiful big eyes, big cheek bones, and amazing dark hair. She was a spitting image of my husband, she was all Blaugrund! I wish the pictures we had of her did justice, they just don’t. She was just a tiny little thing. By looking at her you would have never known that her heart was broken. The first hours in Frederick were just incredible. I got to watch our family love on her and laugh at her sticking her tongue out and at the noises she would make. I got to feed her and change her diaper and put her in a little outfit I brought that she swam in because she was so little. My favorite memory was giving her a bath, my husband and I got a taste of what it felt like to be normal parents to a “normal” baby. Just me and her were awake at like 4:30 that morning after she was born, and she had her eyes wide open and I got to talk to her, just me and her. I would say that’s another moment where I wish I could have frozen time. I wish I had better words to describe her, but you would have just had to meet her to understand just how incredible she was.

How has your grief changed over the months?

My grief changes by the hour sometimes. I can go from sadness that makes me physically ill, to “fine”, to complete rage, in a matter of minutes.

I think more recently, anger is my most felt feeling. It’s a hard emotion to fight. I’m angry because this doesn’t make sense, and because I get jealous of what other people have. I get angry that so many people that I didn’t expect - let us down or didn’t support us during this whole experience. So far anger has been the easiest to feel and hardest emotion to manage. It has made me not like this new version of myself very much.

I have questioned my faith, and if I am being honest, I have questioned my existence. I go through weeks of just misery and anger. I have lashed out at people that don’t deserve it, and then I sort of become a recluse because it’s hard to be around people. Then the sadness can take over, and it can be debilitating. I have always thought there were stages of grief that you went through and then its finished. After reading experiences on this blog and experiencing it personally I have realized that just isn’t the case. I think grief is a constantly evolving thing and it looks different for everyone. I do have good days, and happy moments. I can smile and laugh and joke, but I don’t smile as big or laugh as hard as I used to. Grief can co-exist with ‘happiness’, which is something I am still learning.

I read a lot of stories about dealing with grief, not even specific to child loss, but grief in general. I always read how it’s not going away, but it will change. It’s hard to think about feeling different a year from now, I don’t see how it’s even possible. But I have chosen to take this in day by day.

What/who has helped you throughout your grief thus far?

There is not a chance I would have made it through this without my husband. I think losing a child can make or break your relationship, especially when faced with really difficult decisions. We have chosen to just lean into each other as much as possible, because at the end of the day we are sharing these same feelings that other people just can’t understand. He helps me stay motivated, he still makes me laugh, and he supports me in every decision all while trying to take care of himself too. This might sound silly, but our dog Frank has also been a life saver, because he gives that unconditional love and comfort that we just need sometimes.

Both of our families and friends have played a huge role in us being able to get out of bed in the morning. They have been there since day 1. They have shared this pain with us and understand it better than anyone. They also all have been super supportive of every decision we had to make and have supported us through the hardest days before and after Micah died. I feel lucky that I have the family and friends that have allowed me to not be “myself” and still show up. Unfortunately, there are other family members of mine that know this pain all to well, so being able to talk to someone who understands the wild things going through your head has been helpful.

Grieving Micah together has made this feel less lonely.

At first going to the counselor seemed pointless to me. Now, I think it’s necessary because she has provided me with ideas and resources for how to cope and how to manage my days and has given me the push I needed to be able to say no, when I don’t want to do something. Although, I don’t think counseling is for everyone it has played an important role in my process.

What role does Micah play in your family now?

She is still our baby, grandbaby, niece, cousin, and bonus niece. We talk about her all the time, we have pictures everywhere, tattoos, and other memorabilia that we have around the house for her. My little sister bought us a candle in memory of her, so we can light it on special occasions to include her or just when we miss her a little extra. My husband and I go to her grave every weekend to give her fresh flowers, read her books, talk to her, or leave something special for her. She made such an impact on our family, and I think other people too. She was a tough little baby – a miracle. She made you feel like you were in the presence of a real-life angel. Remembering and celebrating her is easy but living without her is hard. I take every opportunity I can to talk about her, and hope that her story and her life will end up making a difference in this world.