Micah Pt. 3

What is something you want others who are new to grief in general to know?

There is no right way to grieve. There is no timeline that you need to follow, or specific things you need to do. Do what gets you through the minute. This is advice that I have recently been given, and it’s something I am trying to remember and practice.

Don’t let guilt consume you, I think no matter what kind of loss you face, guilt can creep in. It’s easy to want to change certain decisions you did or didn’t make in hindsight. One of the biggest things I struggle with is regretting not having more people meet Micah. I still can’t believe my two best friends never got to meet my daughter, that has been a tough one to swallow. It’s hard not to wish that we would have just brought her home and continued with the comfort care so that she could have met other people I love, like her cousins, and her big fur brother. I know that if we would have stuck with our plan for comfort care instead of getting her a second opinion, I would have also regretted that.

Give yourself grace, something I constantly remind myself to do. I have said or done things out of my character, like losing my temper about something or handling situations differently than what I would have prior to this new life I’m living. Surround yourself with people who will be patient with you through this process.

If you need time alone, or you just don’t want to do something, don’t!! You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Saying no has always been hard for me, so this is easier to say than do but I do think it’s important!

Take a social media break, it can be so toxic. Social media is not real life, but it’s hard not to see people have everything you want, not materialistically, but moments that you wish you had with your child, mom, dad, best friends... whoever it is that you lost.

Cut people out of your life if you need to. Your heart is already broken in to a million pieces over your loss, so while trying to put some of that back together, protect it!

What advice would you give someone going through the same type of loss?

You are going to feel alone even when you have the biggest support system. Sometimes it can get lonely knowing that other people just don’t understand what is going through your head, even when you know they really want to understand you. I have found that some reddit Baby Loss pages have been helpful in being able to read about other experiences and being able to relate to the feelings they are carrying. It can be hard to find pages that relate to my exact experience, a lot of the posts are written from mothers who are grieving their baby that were still born or miscarriages. In that sense it can be hard to relate because I didn’t lose my child suddenly, I was given the time they didn’t get and I can’t even try to put myself in their shoes but I can relate to the feelings they have after a significant loss.

Being only 4.5 months into this, I don’t know if have much helpful advice to give. Just survive every day. For me, I put a lot of focus in to reading books that I can relate to, that other moms in my situation have written. I also have thrown myself in to researching about Micah’s condition, the genetics, and what this looks like for us growing our family. I get kind of obsessed with the research, because I have been given a lot of “I don’t knows” since even trying to conceive Micah. Answers as to why this happened would never be a good enough justification as to why it did, but I find comfort in new information. I think finding something that is going to keep you going is important.

Child loss is unique. Communication is very important; you literally need to tell people what you need because no one knows what to say or do. There will be times where you feel like people are forgetting your child, which is likely not true but it’s not a feeling you can shake. I think communicating what you need from people is key and if what you need changes 100 times, that’s okay. At first, my family wouldn’t really bring up Micah which I now know was out of fear that it would upset me, because they didn’t know how to approach any of this either- it is new territory for all of us. I realized I had to communicate that I wanted to talk about her, in fact I never wanted to stop talking about her. Some people may not feel the same in my situation, people don’t know how to navigate that, so you need to give them permission or set your boundaries.

There will be lots of firsts. Friends and family growing their families, kid’s birthdays, holidays, even just casually seeing friends for the first time can be tough. Just know that the second you don’t feel comfortable anymore, you can leave that situation without hesitation or explanation. If someone doesn’t understand, that’s fine – they should be happy they don’t. Sometimes you are going to be in a situation that you don’t realize is a “first” until you are in it. You get a pass to go home the second you can’t handle any more.

There will be constant reminders of the things you will never experience with your child. You don’t just grieve the loss; you grieve the future you wanted. For me it’s wondering what she would look like now, and how her cousins would interact with her, her first time rolling over, first steps, first teeth. Not being able to see her relationship grow with her grandparents or see her chasing frank around with her dad. My daughter will never graduate, or learn to drive, or fall in love, and I will never see her dad walk her down the aisle. There are so many layers of grief that you have will have to fight through and sometimes it can hit because of seeing the smallest things that other people might not see significance in. I think grieving the future is standard for anyone who has lost someone or a child of any age or circumstance, this is all a part of the process.

I get self-conscious and irrational thoughts that people are sick of hearing about Micah. When I say it out loud it honestly sounds stupid. Even if anyone felt that way, I shouldn’t care. I will talk about her always, even if it makes people feel uncomfortable. So, if you want to talk about your child, talk about them. Use their name, include them in things, do whatever you need to do to still feel them. When you are asked how many children you have or if you have kids, be honest. Just because they are gone doesn’t mean they aren’t yours.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Even when you feel like you are losing your mind, or you think there’s no possible way I should feel this or that. After recently talking to someone I know that has lost their child I realized that I am not crazy or a horrible person. I am just going through the motions.

What resources do you want to share with the readers today?

I think these would classify more as tips rather than resources but could still be helpful.

I highly recommend grief counseling. Being able to talk freely about how you are feeling without judgement can be very relieving. Also, learning new ways to cope are important. But if you can find that elsewhere that is okay too.

There are many local support groups, online support groups, and counseling options available. The hospital or your OBGYN will help you navigate those options and point you in the right direction if you don’t know where to start. Personally, I do not connect with the support groups but what doesn’t work for me might work for you.

If you know someone who has gone through the same type of loss, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. You could really find comfort in each other during the loneliest of times.

Focus on your physical and mental health. I recommend trying acupuncture or getting into an exercise routine. I also plan on trying a rage room (Rockville) per my counselor’s recommendation. I am excited to try this – beating things up with a baseball bat instead of wanting to beat up people! LOL

If you are sharing grief with someone, make sure you are dealing with your grief too.

If you have a friend or family member who has a sick child, educate yourself as much as you can about their condition or ask questions. It’s a good way to show you care.

Last thing – even though this isn’t really a resource either, more of just a reminder to anyone reading this. Be nice to people. When I go into public, I am aware that no one has a clue that I am walking through this store with a completely broken heart. Life can be exhausting, and you never know what a stranger’s day, week, month, or year(s) has been like. Grief is an invisible injury.