Grieving & Pregnancy

The thought of becoming a mom became frightening for me once my husband and I began planning our wedding. We knew we wanted to start a family soon after but also enjoy married life and travel. I knew my mom wouldn’t live forever, especially with her diagnosis of metastatic cancer. How could I even begin to think about raising a child without her? It seemed almost impossible to do. After a lot of thinking, drinking, and late nights talking on our honeymoon, we decided we didn't want to wait for a family of our own any longer!

Baby #1 arrived in June 2020 and I am so blessed to have had my mom here through that pregnancy. She helped me in so many ways. Calming my nerves of becoming a parent, sympathizing with my aches and pains, and always having my favorite snacks when I would come over to hang out and inevitably cry over something (hormones are no joke).

She would feel my belly when baby would kick and would always tell me how adorable I looked, especially when I did not feel that way AT ALL. Seeing her with Aubrey for the first time and the months following were just magical and oh so heartwarming. It was something I always dreamed of! Watching them snuggle for naps, teaching me tips and tricks that she used raising me, and always making sure I took care of myself (which didn’t always happen) will always be memories I think about.

Finding out I was expecting with baby #2 was extremely emotional. My mom had really started to decline in the month after my sister's wedding (which she moved FOUR times so my mom could be there). I had no reason to take a test.. I wasn't late. There were no symptoms. Aubrey walked up to me with a test she found in the closet while tearing it apart. I thought "huh! It's going to expire soon so may as well use it!" I was shocked at the positive result, not because I wanted my kids to be far apart in age.. but there was just no reason for me to have taken it. Looking back, it clearly was all a part of the plan.

Aubrey and I told Bobby that night, and the next day I went and told my mom the news as I had promised her I would the moment I found out of my second pregnancy. She didn't believe me! She eventually cried with happiness of course while sitting in the new hospital bed that had just arrived. It is a day I will always cherish.. we got to laugh and cry together while talking about the future her grandchildren would have. In the back of my mind I knew I would be facing this pregnancy without her. Mom and I had talked a lot about my family expanding again, and she always reminded me when I had doubts about loving another child as much as Aubrey that I was such a great mama and that I would be surprised at how much more love I had in my heart for another baby. I think about that every day now as I navigate this pregnancy without her.

I am currently 6 months pregnant with my second child as I write this, and there are so many things my mom has not physically been here for that have just been so heavy on my heart. Recently, it was the 20 week anatomy scan. It was the first time my heart was broken after an appointment. Bobby and I got to see the baby moving around and actually looking like a real human. We were all smiles in the appointment.

But.. as the day went on my emotions had me in a total meltdown mess. I just wanted to call her to tell her everything looked great with her second grandchild. I wanted to drive over the house to show her the new ultrasound photo and talk about who it looked it more. I wanted to do and say so much that for the first time I realized I couldn’t. That evening I had a full on breakdown for the first time in a while and thankfully my sister was driving home from the beach house and we talked for two hours. Sooo many emotions over that call, but let me tell you a long phone call can do wonders for your mental health!

Most believe big events such as birthdays and holidays are the ones that have you broken. However, it’s the smaller moments for me that have me crying myself to sleep. Not being able to send my mom a video of Aubrey dancing hurts more than the thought of her missing my birthday. Every small moment I’m wondering if my mom sees, I often ask for signs that she’s here watching.

That’s the thing with borrowed time, you have to live in the moment or else all happiness will be blinded by sadness and you’ll miss out on amazing memories right in front of you. Every moment of my mom and Aubrey together was this way.. because we knew the snuggles wouldn’t always happen. I now try to best to view every day soaking in the hugs myself, feeling the new babe kick, and all the moments Aubrey is getting with both families and friends. I want to remember all of these happy moments because no one is promised tomorrow!

I grieve the loss of not only my mother, but the relationship my kids will not have with the most important women to me. Thinking how they will not remember or even know who my mom is breaks my heart. I have the stories I can share, but it just isn't the same. I am terrified of birthing my second child because I know the emotions that will come with the fact I can not share the news in the same way I did when I had Aubrey. On top of that, the postpartum period was the most challenging time I had faced prior to losing my mom. It almost broke me as a person (more to come on that later) and my mom was a huge reason I got through it.

So, to anyone in a similar situation.. I HEAR YOU. We can get through a lot if we lean on those who lift us up! I am here if you ever need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

- Chels <3