No More Work

Bobby and I had a lot of conversations of what we wanted our futures to look like.. from kids close in age, to putting the kids in daycare vs. have me stay home with them.. and sooo much more as a lot of married couples do!

The original plan was for me to work while having help with Aubrey during the day from family. Seemed pretty doable as my mom wasn’t working anymore, and we weren’t aware of anything wrong at the time. I liked working, I wanted Aubrey to spend time with family.. a win win all around right?!

Wellllll we know how everything began to unfold over Aubrey’s first year of life. Between my postpartum struggles and my mom’s health, things certainly did not go as planned. Working full time did not last long, maybe 3-4 weeks. After some thinking and talking with Bobby, I went to part time and moved my hours to the evening. Everything seemed to be going well. Yes it was hard to balance both, but I was determined!

As things began to decline more with my mom and everyone getting busier at their own jobs (rightfully so), I was spinning. Postpartum hit my hard around 4 months, and this was another turning point. I felt so damn overwhelmed. Trying to raise a baby who was taking 20 minute naps, nursing that said baby (or pumping), trying to keep the house clean, and attempting to work a demanding job was just NOT working for me. Mentally, I was crumbling. My main focus was trying to make Aubrey happy obviously, but when my mom began to not be able to leave the house.. I began working from my parents house and was constantly driving somewhere with my baby and laptop in tow.

I wanted myself and my family to spend as much time as possible together, and everything around me was falling apart. The house was a disaster constantly.. and I’m not that clean of a person but it bothered me soooo much. Work was essentially non existent in my life, and I felt like such a failure because of this! This was not the plan!!

I remember this one day so clearly, I was in my car in my parents driveway on a meeting with my team, all while Aubrey was inside with my parents. I could see her fussing at times through the window. I was holding back tears on my call, and just felt as if I was floating. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to Bobby about this event that day, but it’s as if he knew and we had a chat that evening.

We had just found out I was pregnant again, I think I was about 5 weeks along. He talked to me about where we were in life with things, and helped me realize I had too much on my plate. He was extremely supportive in having me call my boss to ask him to stop working so I could focus on my mom with the time she had left (she was on home hospice at this point) and just making sure Aubrey spent time with her as well. He took on so much in order for me to do this.

Writing all of this down, it brings me to tears. It brings up a time in my life where I felt like such a burden and a failure every day. I just never felt like I could win. When in reality, I should have realized how amazing I was doing. I had (and still very much do) such a support system, from my husband, in laws, friends and even co-workers. I wish I could go back and realize this SO BAD.. but we live and we learn, and this time around (hopefully sooner than later!) I will KNOW I am a good mom and wife, and will give myself grace knowing I’m doing the best I can each and every day.

I plan to go back to work one day! We’ve decided as a family for now, it makes more sense for me to raise the kiddos. As always, this comes with changes! My biggest advice is to always openly communicate with your partner about where you’re at and what you need. It may not be easy, but will be beneficial!

I know my path to becoming a mom home with the kids is not uncommon. Life is so stressful, and there’s always something else happening at the same time. I think it’s important to remember everyone is different. Every family is different. Do not compare what you’re capable of to what someone else is capable of. Do what is best for YOUR family, and remember NOTHING is permanent if you choose to work or not work. Life is short, so do what works for you!

With Love,

Chels Xoxo