Kate Pt. 2

What/who has helped you throughout your grief?

I have the biggest and best support system that I didn’t know I needed. My family, friends, and husband are the reason that I have been able to get through those days and months after Chris passed. Our family ebbed and flowed through each other and our feelings as I talked about earlier.

My friends held me up when I couldn’t, listened to my tears and screams, and allowed me to do what I needed to. I can’t talk more about how many phone calls or texts or endless nights that they have given me to grieve, laugh, dance, drink, whatever was needed. My new married family of the Harwoods, which isn’t that new anymore as I have known them since 2012 has been a godsend as well. I never felt that I needed to explain myself or how I was feeling with them and they always have been a safe place or hang out for me. They had accepted me as a daughter long before I was officially one, and they treated my grief as their own.

My husband, Timmy, I don’t think there are enough words to describe what he means to me in general. In January this coming year we will have been dating for a decade. He is my best friend in addition to my husband, and he knows me better than I do sometimes.

Since that June day in 2017, he has learned what I need and when - he gives me my space when my tone of voice or demeanor shows that I just can’t wrap my head around what I’m going through, and pulls me up when he knows that what I really want is someone to be like “hey, let’s go do *insert something way better than sulking* here”. I don’t know what I would have done without his support - because at the same time, he was grieving and in shock as well. His family, or to be family in a few years, had this horrible thing happen and he was kind of the glue for me without asking for it.

Outside of the people, which I think is the most important part, are the things that help. For me, those things are just being outside and feeling the sun or wind or whatever it is. Going on a walk, working out, doing something to both exert myself and energy and distract myself sometimes. I think part of that is that Chris loved being outside, whether it was on the beach, on a trail, or playing a sport so that kind of gives me peace and a little time with him when I need it.

Talking about how I am feeling and knowing that it won’t last forever has saved me sometimes - I know that I need to be sad or angry or irritated and that if I can just feel it and talk about why and move on I will be able to make it through. I have tried journaling on and off, but sometimes that can get deep (which is a good thing!) so I have simplified it and just wrote down small things to start - and now here I am!

In all the books and people that talk about grief, they talk about therapy. My family has never been a therapy family (and now I am a high school counselor, that’s the next question below!) and I feel kind of shameful saying I haven’t gone yet. Being in a helping profession kind of makes you think oh I got this, I don’t need that all the time - when in reality it is probably something that will really be beneficial. That is definitely on the to do list as I get older and will need it as another outlet.

How has loss changed the way you do your job as a school counselor?

This question is easy. Well, not easy but certainly has been something that I think about a lot. The summer we lost Chris, I literally interviewed to get into the MCPS long term sub pool for school counseling - like the next week. I don’t know how I did it, but like a lot of things in my life I was like ok I just need to do this, no matter what. Probably not the most healthy thing in the world, but I was also operating under just doing whatever I could to be distracted as well. I got the job, started in September and then landed a full time counseling job at Magruder High School where I am now going to be starting on my 6th year this fall.

In my sub job at Whitman High School, we lost two students - 2 high school students in two very different circumstances and I remember in both of those instances immediately going into protection mode for the kids, and then secretly on my own absolutely losing it when I got home. I remember thinking, is this how you do it? Is this how you lead young people in their own emotions in these crisis situations that counselors deal with? My own mentor there said unfortunately we do need to - but it is important to take time for ourselves. I found that when I shared my story with those kids at Whitman, and then now at Magruder, it helped the kids see that adults go through awful things sometimes and we are human, and yet we still show up every day and make the best of it.

Seeing losing my brother as a way to help the kids I am working with everyday, has kind of given me a reason if you call it - for what happened. Because there is truly no reason this happens, but it does all the time. A lot of my own students have lost people or been through way more trauma really young. It is not worse or better, just different and it helps them to know that someone truly understands the small things that get to them or make them sad or whatever it is - but we need to keep pushing through. I try to inspire my students to take advantage of their lives and make the most of them because we truly don’t know what will happen and sometimes they think it’s cliche, but when they know the reason I feel that way they have said to me, “oh so you aren’t just saying that?”

My job as a school counselor is the best job I could have asked for, even on the days where it is hard or I want to throw something or feel depleted - and I like to think that Chris is watching me thinking, hey don’t yell at that kid he’s just joking - or hey that was awesome how you interacted with them - it helps me think that I’m doing what I am supposed to.

What role does Chris play in your family now?

He’s there, all the time. My family has grown more comfortable with telling stories about him (that took about a year, a little more for some members.) We still have his stocking out at Christmas, we take an extra second to admire the ocean when we are on our family vacation because he was always the first one in. We still think of him on his birthday and take just a few sips of a beer because that was all he could muster before he acted like he was drinking to be cool… It’s just who he was. He didn’t have it all together and was still figuring himself out and what he wanted to do or live- and I think that’s what always irked me was that I was up and out of the house and making a whole new life the second I could and he was content in the smaller things always. I think that if he had still been here he would have made sure our family didn’t stress out about every little thing, and we would have made sure he took a few things more seriously. He will always be my little brother and share almost every baby picture with me since we were so close in age. I would never speak for my parents, because their grief is completely and utterly different than mine, but if they read this maybe they will be inspired to write down everything that they have thought about because to them he will always, always be here.

What advice would you give someone going through the same kind of loss?

Oh my gosh, there’s really nothing you can say that makes it change and I think that’s the hardest part. It really depends on what that person needs. If I was specifically talking to someone who lost a brother, and unfortunately it happened to a friend from college not too long ago and I did think to myself, what would she want to hear without being too overbearing, or acting like I know exactly what she’s going through. In the end I just made sure she knew I was there in case she needed anything - to talk, cry, just be normal over instagram with.. Whatever it was. It made me think about whether friends and family that reached out or were timid or scared about what to do or say to me, because kind of the thing for me was I just didn’t want to feel alone. I may have wanted to be alone sometimes, but hearing a “I’m here if you need me” or a “hey, call me anytime” and given that outlet, I think is the most important part.

Wow, Jill had said please write however long or short you want for each question.. And here we are 7 pages later! Why did I have so much trouble writing essays in college? I think this is easier because it is my life and I really hope that anyone that needs this in the future, or from the past, feels a little connected or less lonely - I am always here for that conversation <3