Hannah’s Thoughts

Grief is funky. Grief is weird. Grief is an individual project.

While Hannah and I lost the same person - our grief stories differ for various reasons.

We wanted to interview Hannah for numerous reasons, one being she is excellent at writing down her thoughts and feelings. She is very detailed, something that has led her to her current career as an ICU nurse. She is an open book as well, and with the 6 month anniversary of our mom passing being October 30th, we felt the timing of this would be therapeutic.

Q: As Chelsea's sister, you've experienced the loss of your mother. Can you tell us a bit about that experience for you?

A: Honestly, it's been... well... terrible. It has been the absolute worst pain that I've ever experienced... both physically and emotionally. Grief has affected every single aspect of my life and it's so loud and aggressive. It beats me to the ground and some days it's so hard to get back up. Sometimes I just let it because I feel too exhausted to fight through it.

The best way that I can describe mom, is that she was everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. So, I feel like I lost way more than my parent. I also lost my best friend, my role model, my therapist, my confidant. She shaped and molded me into the person that I am. So many things about me are from her, so losing her has felt like losing part of me. Grief has torn me apart, and I don't know how to put myself back together without my mom. I work at this every day.

At first, the intense waves of grief were so frequent and I just couldn't catch a damn break. I was surprised at how my body could produce so many tears and how much I'd hyperventilate while crying. I couldn't believe how swollen my eyes would get, how tired I'd feel afterwards, and how I literally felt "hungover" from so much sadness and pain the next morning.

These waves of grief still happen. The waves are still big, scary and suffocating. But now there's more time between the waves. I'm able to have happy moments during these breaks and I do have periods of feeling "normal." So now when the waves come, I know it's going to be really painful, but I'm able to recognize that I will make it through. It really helps me in the moment.

Q: How would you describe your grief to others?

A: I knew losing my mom would be painful and that I would be devastated. However, I was naïve to the fact that there are so many different emotions that grief entails. I circle around many different emotions each day, sometimes it's really confusing. I also had no idea just how exhausted and lost I would feel.

One night after work I was driving to the beach and I started to think of mom. I had to pull over because it was dark and I couldn't see through my tears. This was the moment I saw this picture, or scenario, in my head.

I pictured this little girl, she had blonde hair and looked to be about 8 years old. She had gone into a craft store with her mom and strayed away from her as most curious children might try and do. At first, I saw this girl calmly walking around trying to find her mom. She couldn't find her. Then, I saw her crying and screaming out for her mom. She still couldn't find her. Then, I saw her sit on the floor in a ball, crying, because she couldn't find her mom and didn't know what else to do. She felt completely lost and hopeless.

This is exactly how my grief feels sometimes. There are moments where I feel the most intense yearning to see her and hug her. I can literally feel her hugs, or smell her, or hear her voice when I think about it. These moments, I feel like I could die if I can't get to her or feel her arms around me. It's like this panic, then this intense sadness where I just want to sit on the floor and give up and cry because I'm... so. damn. lost. I am a lost little girl yearning for her mom.

Q: Most do not know this but you experienced a miscarriage shortly after mom passed, what was the timeline of that?

A: Mom died on April 30th. I found out I was pregnant on June 2nd. Brandon was leaving the next day for a Bachelor party and would be gone for 4 days, so I told him when he came home. In the meantime, I had shared the news with Chels, because we talk 83 times a day and we're pretty much inseparable. It was super cool to be pregnant together and I was only a few weeks behind her.

It was also comforting to me because I feel like mom knew about the pregnancy before anyone else did. I believe that she hinted it to me in my dreams.

*Dream* (I did not know that I was pregnant in real life at the time) :

I was leaving the doctors office after having my 8-week appointment and sonogram. Afterwards I was in my car (my old car for some reason?) and I called mom to chat. She already knew that I was pregnant so I was calling to tell her how the appointment went. I couldn't see or hear her in my dream, but when I woke up I felt like I had talked to her overnight. This led me to taking a pregnancy test which was positive.

Q: Can you tell us about experiencing a pregnancy and miscarriage while grieving your mother all so soon and at the same time?

A: My second sonogram at 9 weeks confirmed that the heartbeat had stopped. This was considered a missed miscarriage. I was really sad and shocked. But, the hardest part for me was that I didn't have my mom. Yes, I had Brandon, Chels, my dad, and my girlfriends. But... I needed my mom and I couldn't have her. I felt betrayed because I just lost my mom, why did I have to lose the baby? I thought, how unfair, and I was angry.

The miscarriage physically was not terrible. I did not miscarry on my own and I did not decide to take the pill to induce it. I didn't think I could emotionally handle being at home and "see" the contents of the pregnancy. I didn't want to have the loss right in front of me, again. So I opted for the procedure (d&c). I had it done at the hospital where I work, so I felt comfort being in a familiar place. Everyone was very nice to me and the procedure was quick. It was done under anesthesia so I was unaware of everything until I woke up. They let me take a picture of my mom and I into the operating room with me. The nurse put it under my pillow and held my hand until I fell asleep. I was in and out of the hospital within 4 hours. I had mild cramping for a week afterwards and was able to go back to my "normal routine" within a day or two.

The miscarriage really highlighted the fact that my mom could not physically be present, and this was the hardest part of the pregnancy and miscarriage for me. This is an experience that every daughter needs their mom for. But, I didn't have mine, and I felt like a lost little girl again.

Q: During really tough days what are things that help you? What is your go to pick me up?

A: Days that I’m working it helps to be distracted, some days I think it makes me even more of a compassionate nurse (then I’ll just cry on my way home)

Things that help when I’m home and have time to do whatever I feel I need

- call Chels is always at the top of the list, we always relate and have the same feelings

- take Duke for a walk at the park and put on a podcast. Fresh air and sunshine helps everything even if it’s temporary

- a lot of times I like to clean and listen to a podcast, this is a good distraction

- I can’t just make my therapy session happen but it’s always helpful when I do have therapy

- if I’m drained I will lay down and sulk and watch tv and feel sorry for myself

- take a bubble bath, I get my love for those from mom

- if I can sense that it’s time for a big cry session, I will let myself have this. meaning, I gather the things that make me feel close to mom and I sit on the floor and cry. I look at pictures she colored, I read the cards she wrote me and stare at her handwriting, sometimes I hold the dove with her ashes in it even though when I talk to her I look up to the sky because I know that’s where she is, look at her nail polish and lipstick that I have, look at pictures of her and us. I just cry and cry and cry until it’s all out. Then I feel lighter and refreshed in a sense. This allows me to go on and have happy moments in the days following

- I talk to mom a lot.. I cry to her and tell her how much I miss her and how great of a mom she was. But I also talk to her as if she’s sitting next to me and I’ll just talk to her about anything. .

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We hope reading Hannah’s words allows you to feel your grief and know there are so many people that can relate to what you may be going through. This is a space where you can feel safe, seen, and heard.

If you want to share your story with us here at the blog, send us a message ANY TIME. 🖤

xoxo,

Jill & Chels