Kate Pt. 1

If you don’t mind telling everyone reading what brings you here today?

Well hello! I’m very grateful to have been given the opportunity to share a story that, as we get older or more aware, has happened to more of us than anyone thinks. My name is Kate, and I grew up with our I’m Fine blog creators Jill and Chelsea <3 They asked me if I wanted and felt comfortable sharing how I have dealt with loss, and I hope that what I say can resonate or make someone reading feel not as lonely. Parts and details of my loss are very blunt, but in writing I don’t know how to put that much emotion in, so if it is triggering or sounds un-emotive I promise it is not.

I’m sharing today about the loss of my younger brother, Chris. He passed away in June of 2017 in an unforeseen accident at a reservoir at the age of 23. An age that is way too young to suddenly be taken, and in a way that sparked more questions than answers. I say this because when we found out, everything happened so suddenly that the small details and significance at the time kind of flew by - the overall ending was that he was no longer with us. I remember that Sunday being at Merriweather at a concert and getting the call. The night before, my parents and I were briefly texting and my sister saying that Chris was going out with friends, and they didn’t have his location and he wasn’t answering. I was out with friends in Baltimore, doing my own thing as I was only 24 and living the life many of us were - acting like adults even though we weren’t and just living it up.

I woke up the next day and they still hadn’t heard from him, but in my head he was also an adult, he could make his own decisions and would be fine. I did have a feeling in my gut as we went to the concert that this day was too good to be true for some reason, we had gotten free tickets and everything was just working out. I don’t know why but I felt weird. In the middle of the concert, I got a call from my Mom saying that they found him, and he wasn’t alive. My whole life changed that day. I had never felt my heart or anything actually breaking. I just remember sobbing in my best friend's arms as she dragged me away and called our other best friend to speed drive me home to Westminster. My then boyfriend, now husband, Timmy, rushed to meet me as well and our family home was like a scene from a movie. There were cops, and my family was dispersed all over the place (I am 1 of 5 kids.) . I saw my Dad cry that day for probably only the second time in my life, but definitely not the last. Our neighbors were there, family tried to show up, it was absolute chaos. I remember leaving late at night to go back to Baltimore and being so drained, but I had friends and a boyfriend who knew the best thing was to listen to what I wanted to do, and I wanted to go home and pack my stuff to come back to my parents house.

The week between that day and his funeral is a blur. It wasn’t even really like we were grieving quite yet, just existing. I didn’t go to work, we all kind of just sat in our living room and cried, tried to go outside but felt wrong for doing those things. Friends and family stopped by and we had to have the worst day of our lives that weekend. It was a small funeral, and I remember running to the bathroom to get sick. I was definitely still in shock. I don’t even remember driving back to Baltimore, but I was following my best friend so I knew that I got there.

That summer was so weird. There were times where I was debilitated, where I smiled, where I sat outside and cried, where I had fun with family and friends, where I left balling my eyes out from a party because I hated everything and everyone there.

Losing someone is one of the hardest things in the entire world. Losing your little brother, the one closest to you in age, the one who you fought with and hated at times but also would never think would leave you, has been the hardest part of my life so far.

With that little back story, and I say little because there is a lot more to it if you can imagine, is why I am here writing what I can. To share a part of my story, and part of my life for whoever is reading this blog.

How many siblings do you have? And how have you all handled the loss of your brother?

I am the proud, bossy, sometimes loud and annoying, oldest sister of 5. My parents really lucked out on the order and rotation of us - Me, Chris, Hannah, Luke, Abby. I’ll be turning 30 this September which is amazing and wild at the same time. So me, being 24 at the time we lost Chris, seems like a life time and just yesterday at the same time. Obviously all of my siblings were younger as well. Hannah was still at Salisbury, and Chris had helped her move in just two years earlier. Luke had just graduated Westminster High School a few weeks earlier, and Abby was only a rising sophomore in high school. I don’t want to speak for them, as what I have learned is that everyone grieves and handles these things differently, so I will speak on how I perceived it and handled with them. I remember in August of that summer emailing Abby’s school counselor. It is not a surprise, as I had just gotten my Masters in School Counseling and at this time was hoping to get a job for the upcoming year - my mind immediately went to protecting and making sure that all of them were ok, or whatever ok meant at that time.

As I said, I emailed Abby’s counselor and alerted her of what had happened and kept a close eye on her even if she didn’t know it. Abby and Chris were SO close as he was living at home, and I wasn’t sure exactly how she would possibly be ok. I made sure that Luke got attention especially because he and Chris didn’t have the best relationship and I didn’t know how he should be reacting or what was normal, and I kind of expected Hannah to just know what to say or tell me how she was feeling. I don’t know why, Hannah all of a sudden just seemed more mature to me and I needed to think in my brain that she would let me know if she needed help.

Having a big family is one of the best and worst things sometimes - and that’s leaving out all of our extended family who also wanted to talk and send love and it can be overwhelming. I won’t get started on my parents in this section, because that is a whole other side. But sticking to siblings, initially I think we were all in shock together, and then started to grieve in our own ways. I wanted to talk about him, be reminded of him, feel like it was ok to do this. But in being the oldest, I wanted to almost make sure that Hannah, Luke and Abby all did the same, even if they weren’t ready to. Each year I wouldn’t say has helped the loss, because nothing truly can, but I think each year we have all gotten a little more comfortable with being honest with what we each need, even if we don’t agree with it at the time.

Speaking for just me, it makes me think about every interaction we all have and I always have it in the back of my mind that you need to end on a good note. No matter if I don’t agree with what my sisters or brother say, we can never leave it on read or not respond or not at least say goodbye when I leave the house or wherever we are. It makes me more grateful for them and I want to appreciate our time together.

How has your grief changed over the years?

Oh man this is a hard question! I would like to say that it has, but honestly I think it kind of flows back and forth. It is always going to be there, for the rest of my life. And I think at this 5 year mark, and where I am at in my own life that is the scariest and saddest part. I think that’s why, on top of our world now and other things going on, that grief hit me harder at some points this year. I don’t want to bring the pandemic in, but a lot of people lost people in that time, and grief is even more different then. I had almost three years of grieving before COVID, and getting used to kind of grieving alone, or ways in which to, and then switching back to having access back to people and friends and family is challenging. Where I am at now in my life is hopefully starting my own family in the next year, having an amazing home with my husband and dog, feeling good most days about my job and myself - and while all of these are amazing things, I also turn my grief mindset sometimes to the fact that Chris won’t be here for any of them. He would have absolutely adored me and Timmy’s dog Snoop we have now, like hands down played and walked and cared for him if and when we needed - the same summer that Chris died, both our family dogs, Griz and Franny, both did as well. My parents said that it was because it was their time and they knew Chris would be there to take care of them.. And that really gets to me sometimes.

So, in a roundabout way, and if you know me or my Mom, we can talk in a circle back to the point, it hasn’t gotten better or worse. Just different than it initially was and I know that next year, and the years after, there will be parts of my life that will hit differently too. I like to think that he is here watching, or joining or whatever it is because that helps me feel not as alone with that feeling.