The 20th

It was February, it was a Friday, it was freezing, and it was completely unexpected.

You know how some days just really REALLY stand out to you? This was one of those days.

I was home from college for the night, I pulled in the driveway around dinner time and I was so excited because I was just informed of an amazing fall internship opportunity. I ran in the door, shared the good news with my parents and we celebrated by eating hotdogs and baked beans.

.... Looking back... it was the best meal of my life!

Woke up that Friday morning, early, because I was heading to watch my niece for the day at my sisters house. Breakfast, play time, snuggles, and then nap for that sweet girl.

Around 11am that nap time was interrupted by a loud knock on the front door by a tall guy who looked extremely familiar - it was my older brother, Scott.

As soon as he walked in the door I said "please don't do that, you scared the shit out of me" thinking he was trying to play a prank on me...

He had no response other than a very heavy look in his face, he grabbed my shoulders and said the 4 words I wish I could block out forever.

"Dad died this morning"

And he proceeded with the largest hug.

Shook. I felt my knees buckle. I couldn't even form words.

He helped pack up our niece because we were going back to our parents house to get to our Mom.

The moment it hit -- when I laid eyes on a beautiful picture of my dad and sister on her wedding day, as he proudly walked her down the aisle.

I fell. It hit me. I wasn't going to have that moment. The 30 seconds of uninterrupted time every bride gets / deserves with their father.

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The 12 minute ride to our parents house felt like an eternity. I had the largest pit in my stomach. I was literally living in a nightmare.

We were a perfect family - Happily married parents of 32 years and high school sweet hearts, 4 healthy and funny (to us) children, 3 grandchildren had arrived and 1 was on the way.

We. had. it. all. Why this? Why us?

I remember my mom greeting us in the driveway but the next hour to 2 hours was a blur. So many questions asked by the police in the driveway, so many people in the house, hugs, tears, everything you can imagine - it was unreal and in those moments I felt like I was in a horror movie, a horror movie that wouldn't go away by a blanket covering my eyes and fingers plugging my ears.

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My dad passed the way he would have wanted - in peace, no one around, in his sleep, and in the comfort of his own home.

My last look at him was not the most pleasant, in fact, it was heart wrenching. But my last memory with him was eating hotdogs and baked beans and I will never forget that Thursday night dinner.

My dad was a very special man. He was extremely quiet but when he spoke there was always a message. He was very educated. He did the crossword puzzles every morning in the newspaper. He did super silly dances randomly in the kitchen and it would make us all laugh. He would travel the world at night on google earth if he didn't have a good book to read. He would hide snacks in different cabinets of the kitchen so none of us would eat them. He would pay me to make him and my moms bed because he didn't want to or if I needed lunch money. He played Simon says with us at the bus stop.. and most of all -- he loved and adored the ground my mom walked on, he was honored and proud to be our dad, and his heart melted at his new title of grandfather - he was a true family man!

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It has been 6.5 years since that day, February 20th, 2015.

Time has been my best friend throughout this unexpected process. But as I sat here and wrote the details .. I sobbed and my throat hurt from whimpering (lol) because I remember all the"tiny" details.

__ picking the casket, the snowstorm that swooped in that weekend, writing an obituary, the 100's of people who showed at the the viewing, a packed church during the funeral, standing with my siblings as my sister delivered a beautiful eulogy, printing pictures at target 24 hours after the news and watching everyone live a normal life as if my family hadn't just gone through a trauma, picking songs for a video, allllllllll the lasagnas.....

( we probably still have some), seeing the obituary printed in the paper, crying in my brothers arms on the kitchen floor, not sleeping for weeks, emailing professors at school informing them of my new normal and that I wasn't coming to class for an actual real reason this time, laughing at memories of our dad.. you get it.

the point is - no one talks about those tiny details and as sad as those moments were and as hard as they were to type out & relive, they bring tons of comfort during my really hard days.

**Handling the hard days will be in a future post**

Back to time - most days are filled with joy and laughter, but I'd be lying if certain songs, the holiday's, the month of February, Father of the bride speeches at weddings, and Father / Daughter dances (if you know, you know) didn't bring me to tears!

Being part of this club is not fun but it has taught me the importance of living every single day to the fullest and to smile at everyone in target because who knows what has happened to them within the last 24 hours.

I miss him terribly but I do know he is watching over every second of every day! .. plus I carry a little piece heaven everywhere I go :)

xoxo,

Wilbert

aka Jill